DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
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taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK