[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
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[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica