My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
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1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.