me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
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Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE