I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
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Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Saturday
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”