Them: You should try keto
Me:
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Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first