I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
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I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Happy Friday
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”