The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
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If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
A dad and his duck
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks