Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
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Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
I have a type: disappointing
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.