I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
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COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
So inspired right now.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Autocarrot sucks!
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.