In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
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Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer