I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
You Might Also Like
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
the greatest twitter interaction
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
That took me a moment.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this