You Might Also Like
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
How animals would run if they were human
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say