I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
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Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road