Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
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professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
the Monday after daylight savings
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?