Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
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LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…