GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
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I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …