I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
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Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.