Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
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The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
We have a winner.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*