The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
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Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
mom had nothing to worry about
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.