Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
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You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Husband of the year 😂
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Check your privilege
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?