Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
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Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
why isn’t he texting back
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.