Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
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Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.