I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
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[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
#winning
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists