JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
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Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
jesus christ confetti not now
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago