What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
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Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Pringles
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.