When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
You Might Also Like
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.