Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
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Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem