I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
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#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
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9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait