computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
You Might Also Like
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.