In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
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When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Chicago sounds lovely.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
what do you want!!!!!!!!
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
no regrets