the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
You Might Also Like
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.