There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
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yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Not even remotely sorry.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
absolute chaos
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.