“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
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5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you