You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
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Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
*exercises sarcastically*
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.