I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
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“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.