My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
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The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.