imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
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I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
“you recording!?”
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.