i need a six-month vacation twice a year
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DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.