Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
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Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Autocorrect completely socks
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Lol.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one