[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
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Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
I miss this era type of pranks😭
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again