Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
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Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.