Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
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5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
are they though??
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.