[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
You Might Also Like
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives