“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
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Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
love it when they get my name right
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
My Guy
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend