I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
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Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
There’s only one good girl here!
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!