Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
You Might Also Like
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
My wedding will be open casket.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Bless you
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.