[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
You Might Also Like
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Can. I. Help. You.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
when dads have a rap battle
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.