There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
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I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.