Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
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Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”